Being okay with nothing.

This could either be very positive or very negative, but I’m going for the positive side of things: I am [trying to be] okay with nothing, for now. 

As you know, I’ve been having leg pain since that 16-miler a few weeks back (okay so 19 days to be exact, 19 days and ~4 hours).  Leg pain that was crippling for a day, then got significantly better over the following three, leading me to believe I’d be up and running again in no time. 

I was wrong.

I am experiencing a constant pain with any sort of impact that is not excruciating in day-to-day life, but makes running impossible.  And jumping, and skipping, and dancing.  And those are things I really love, not to mention I am officially not able to run Boston.  So there’s that.

What have I been doing lately?  Well I started out hitting the elliptical hard, then realized that that was actually kind of painful and stupid.  So I have been doing…nothing.

Not a thing.

A little lifting here and there, covering some pilates classes, but nothing with my legs.  I lost the key to the bike lock keeping the stupid clunky cruiser connected to the front gate so I can’t use that.  I have yet to make the time to go get myself a bathing suit (my own fault) and I have no idea where to go to use an anti-gravity treadmill – my PT place sure as hell doesn’t have one. 

But that’s not the worst part.

I am not even positive that I am broken again, because insurance won’t cover the MRI.  So either I am being smart, or I am dashing my hopes at running this marathon that I have worked so hard to come back for, that I have rearranged my internship schedule for, and that I have psyched all my friends and family up for for nothing

But really, I wouldn’t change anything.  I am not a racer.  I am a runner.  What I love about the sport is waking up before the rest of the city, having the roads to myself, and feeling my muscles work, my lungs fill with air.  I love being outside, feeling a part of the natural world, using nothing but myself to travel farther, longer, faster.  I just love doing it.  Really it’s not the race I’m sad about, it’s missing that vital part of my every day.  If I were given the choice between training and ending up broken and not training at all, I’d go with the daily run every single time.  I’ve still got to figure out how to prevent this from happening again, and insurance-god willing I will do that.  But I wouldn’t take back the past ~3.5 months of running.

So for now, I am trying to be okay with nothing.  I won’t lie, it is tough, but for the most part my body feels good.  I have been taking long walks with Louie, and I have lifted more in the past three weeks than I did in the past three months.  I feel my muscles getting stronger again, and there is a lot of satisfaction in that.  I have slept way more and feel better for it, averaging 7-8 hours versus 6 hours when I was getting up to train.  Now that my metabolism has slowed down and I’m not ravenous 24/7, I have actually been able to plan my meals better and lost some weight since that fateful day (knockonwood).  The trick now will be to find the motivation to get myself doing something every day even though I don’t have a pool in the backyard or a pond down the street to aquajog in, and to hide my running shoes deep in the closet so I’m not tempted to sabotage my recovery.  Even trickier is the mind though – staying positive has never been harder when I feel like even my doctor is fighting me.  If you’ve got any workout/distraction/optimism-boosting ideas, please send them my way!

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